Some Very Snape and Sirius Suggestions Or Not
by Madea's Rage
Summary: Snape and Sirius attempt to discuss relationships with the muggle masses, and do nothing of the sort. Do they? SIH-verse, hard R, read summary.


A/N: Love to reviewers and Countess Black.

'Creepy old man with a snake fetish' is a quote from TV Tropes.

This is SIH-verse. If you've not read that, you'll be lost.

**Snape**

Sirius

_The author_

_A/N: Hey guys! It's been a while, so I thought I'd ask Snape and Sirius to talk about-_

**I was not asked.**

_A/N: Now, Professor-_

**I am compelled to assist in this, madam, but deceit is abhorrent to me.**

_A/N: Says the spymaster._

**I needn't justify my ethical stance to you.**

Snape, don't be an arse.

**Oh, the dog has got an opinion. How surprising. Tell me, dog, what might I be doing differently?**

You might try not being a cunt about things, for a start.

**Why yes, who wouldn't trust the judgement of a man who routinely licks his own scrotum?**

Which makes me the perfect one to talk about relationships.

**Then why was I dragged into this enterprise?**

Alexander has his Haephastion, Spartacus his Crixus, Arthur had Kai-

**And I have a mangy dog. Oh, rapture. Surely, madam, you might simply put me out of my misery?**

What misery, Snape?

**I have to look at your face.**

Women have killed for less.

**In order not to have to listen to you talk**. **The loser is required to tolerate you.**

Only until I acquaint her with my other charms.

**How does one acquaint someone with a thing that doesn't exist**?

I lower my trousers.

**And cheer her by giving her a good laugh**?

At least I've been close enough to a woman for her to get a look.

**Your cousin had no complaints**.

My cousin went to Azkaban for a creepy old man with a snake fetish.

**Point**.

Exactly. Speaking of which, good evening, ladies and gents. The first thing about relationships is-

**Honestly, Black. If we're to do this thing, clearly I ought to take the lead**.

Based on what? A handful of adolescent experiences with the world's scariest woman?

**She's your cousin**.

We're Purebloods. Had she been your cousin, it would have changed nothing.

**Now that the audience is vomiting, perhaps I ought to get a word in edgewise?**

Like that would stop them. If the idea of you and Trixie didn't do it, they're in for the long haul.

**Bellatrix speaks very highly of you.**

And I of her, but that doesn't change the fact she's quite a frightening woman.

**I suppose.**

Now, about relationships. The first thing is-

**Tsk tsk, Black, taking all the spotlight again. Really, do share your toys.**

Fine. What would you like to say about relationships?

**Give me a moment, Black. I'd like to find some morsel of advice that would justify these people's time spent in your presence**.

They love it. Don't you, darlings?

**They are mostly young, and have never had to live with you. I assure you, when one rolls over on a dismembered garden gnome, his charms are rapidly outweighed by the many, many, many-**

Amusing japes and hilarious observations-

**-many, many attributes which makes you such an irritating pillock.**

**-**which allow me such success with ladies.

**Which is why you pay for it, no doubt**.

Trickle-down economics.

**You are the worst person I know simply for making that pun, the absolute worst. **

You spend your days with the Dark Lord.

**My remark is not altered even slightly by that fact.**

You really think genocide, torture and so forth are better than mildly vulgar puns, Snape?

**Apparently.**

"Apparently?" You either do or you don't.

**According to whom?**

According to everybody.

**Everybody like whom?**

You and Trixie deserve one another.

**Rodolphus might have some thoughts about that.**

He's quite a nice bloke, really. Aside from his fondness for red hot pokers and whatnot.

**Yes, typically that disqualifies one from niceness.**

I suppose as long as one avoids certain topics, he's quite a good guest.

**Rather a worse host, as nothing discourages him from those topics.**

I wonder where Hermione got it from. She's a sweet kid.

**Your mother, I shouldn't wonder.**

Why, has Hermione started shrieking? I hope not. One of them is enough.

**How filial.**

You've met Walburga, Snape.

**My ears are still bleeding.**

You'll learn to love it.

**Not if she's at all like yourself.**

Please, my dashing good looks and razor wit add sparkle to your dull life.

**The life of a spymaster is so pedestrian, sometimes I fear I shall die of boredom.**

Not with me about.

**No, you're driving me into a different sort of early grave.**

One of adventure and excitement.

**And disembowelled gnomes.**

You're always urging me to expand my horizons, Snape.

**Not in ways that involve piles of offal in my pillowcase.**

That's as close as you're likely to get to having another creature in your bed.

**This again?**

It bears repeating.

**You do have an unusually short memory.**

We can't all spend our time brooding on our many grievances.

**No, you spend it eating garbage.**

It was just the once! And the chicken smelt fine. Not to mention, I was Salazar at the time.

**Thirty galleons to get your stomach fixed. I ought to have had that healer neuter you. Perhaps you'd stop being such an arse.**

This again?

**Do not try to spar with me, Black. Your tiny Gryffindor mind will implode if introduced to the logic of my arguments.**

You just don't want any competition from my enormous-

**Remind me to beat you with a fireplace shovel.**

Violence is never the answer, Snape.

**Except when assaulting a werewolf, Black.**

How many werewolves have you punched out, then?

**You'd be surprised.**

No, I wouldn't, because the answer is none.

**As if you'd know.**

I'd know.

**Hmmph.**

Anyway, loves, the thing about relationships is-

**This is absurd.**

Isn't.

**I've got potions to brew.**

Fine, go. And don't lock me out this time, you git! Accident my arse!

**I hope you are all happy. We learnt nothing about relationships.**

_A/N: We didn't?_


End file.
